Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tid Bits

Not much to mention as of late. Only 2 things really.

First, Sunday was Avoid Laundry and Watch Movies All Day day. The boys and I were cuddled watching Gone With the Wind (yes, I know) and it was just at the part "I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies!" Which I, of course, proclaimed as dramatically as possible. Aidan looks at me and ask in his ever quizzical, anything to do with babies, creativeness, "Mommy, does everyone like babies?"

And mommy replies...

"Of course. They taste delicious."

Oh my poor child.

And a few minutes ago I'm walking through the lobby coming in from a smoke break and inform the lady filling in for the receptionist while she's at lunch that "I would like to expel my uterus from my body."

Her response...


I still have tears in my eyes from that.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Monday Grumpies

Eh. It's been awhile again. It's how I roll. I prefer to keep you on your toes; anticipating the next great installment of, well, nothing much.

It's the Monday after Christmas and I'm in a funk. Not feeling it today. Easily irritated. Moody. I know, I know. This is different from every other day how? I'm too crotchety to even be sarcastic.

(OK, the use of the word "crotchety" cheered me up a bit...)

Due to my mood, I felt I would misdirect some pent up whatever it is I'm feeling at a very deserving person.

Specifically: Lil Wayne.

I mean seriously? What is this world coming too? EIGHT! grammy nominations.

Yes, I realize they announced this awhile ago, and honestly, as far as I know, the grammy's may have already taken place. I don't know nor do I care. I wont watch them. I don't want to see Britney perform (I'm assuming she is) or see Coldplay do anything but fall off the stage and die. (That's another one! Did you see how many damn nominations they got??)

Didn't the grammy's use to mean something? Didn't music? Talent? Oh yah, it's all gone the way of MTV and reality TV.

Please don't get me wrong. Lil Wayne has an entertainment value. His music is catch-ily perverse. I know I've enjoyed singing along to songs of blowjobs and/or candy, sex with cops, being rich, drugs, you know, all the good stuff. But is this guy good enough for awards?

As someone who puts out a new song/collaboration/remix/do-over every week, I'd say if anything, he's a genius. In doing my research for this blog (yes, yes I did), I discovered that he was in the gifted program at school, in drama, and even performed as the Tin Man in a production of The Wiz at the age of 12. He also dropped out of school at the age of 14. He is 26 now and disgustingly rich. Yah, I'm jealous.

And have you seen him "play" guitar? I used the bunny ears because from what I can tell, he sucks. Something feirce. I give him credit for trying. E for effort and all that. But give it up already. Can't you just accept your milions for your mediocre music and the fame associated with being possibly one of the weirdest looking/sounding/acting freaks ever to top Billboards Top 10?

Seriously. Have you seen this guy? Because I am so kind, I found a picture for you. I know, I'm awesome.Total stud, right? The picture sends chills down my spine. And not the good kind like that saucey waiter at the sushi place last night. Yeow. But the icky, lock you children in the closets, read the bible like hurry, someone sterilize his mother type.

Well, I feel a little better and it's about time to head out for lunch. And I probably should attempt to get some work done today. Eh.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Maybe it shouldn't...

But it does. It bothers the hell out of me. I'm so upset that I could cry.

The best part of Christmas, you ask? Giving gifts. I love to see people open up the gifts I give them. I put a lot of thought into what I buy. Especially my kids. Christmas is magical and I've been threatening them with Santa for months.

So for their *big* present this year, the one from Santa, I've bought them a Wii. I've been incredibly excited about this and can't wait til Christmas morning when they get to see what Santa brought.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, knows this is what the boys are getting.

Um, so when I ask Tony what he is getting the boys, what does he reply?

A Wii.

Are you freaking kidding me?

He knows I've already bought them one.

I've asked him not to give it to them at Christmas. Just to have it at his house and give them something else. If he even agrees to this (which he probably wont because he's ignoring my emails now), he'll probably give it to them this weekend.

I shouldn't be surprised but I really didn't even expect this from him.

And this after I bought his girlfriend a Christmas present from the boys. It's a frame, granted, but it's very pretty. I think now I'll just have to put a picture of me and the boys in it before I give it to her.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's been awhile...

And as it was brought to my attention by one of my wonderful 4 loyal readers, here I am.

First of all, my children are the spawn of the devil. I'm not sure if that makes me the devil or Tony or if somehow the combination of our genes recreated the exact genetic make up of the devil but regardless, spawn of the devil. Actually, let me capitalize that: Spawn of the Devil. It's more appropriate.

Don't get me wrong, I love them and all blah blah blah. But seriously, does every mother feel like they are losing the battle that is motherhood? Or am I the only one who feels they have done something seriously wrong? OK, OK. In general, they are great, loving, affectionate, funny, smart, etc. etc. Well, maybe not so much Jacob.

Ahhh Jacob. He's my karma for everything I've ever done and/or will do to every person I may or may not have met.

A small example.

In going through the Christmas decorations, Jacob found a card holder. It's like a fountain of clips that come up and you put the cards in the clips and wa la, pretty! Well, each clip has a metal star. Jacob immediately ripped off one of the stars and begins throwing it around the house. My efforts to stop him were fruitless. He was a ninja throwing his chinese star around and that was that. I take the star away set it on the counter and go back to assembling the tree. Jacob gets the star off the counter and throws it into the kitchen.

That's when I heard the shattering glass. Luckily, this time it was not a window. No, it was the globe around the light hanging in the kitchen as seen to the right.

He's got a great arm, I tell you.

I flip the light on to see if it still works. Lightbulb looks intact. Here is what I see when I turn the light on...

Yep, it's the star. Inside. He can't get it now! I should have thought of that in the first place.

Next example, I believe my boys are on the verge of being kicked out of their daycare. Why? For fighting. It seems they both like to kick and punch other kids. Specifically in the head. Yesterday, Aidan punched another kid for "almost punching him" and Jacob kicked a kid in the head for, and these are his words "he made me mean".

Well, at least I didn't do it.

Now Aidan. He's actually pretty good. He has some self-control issues but overall, he's pretty good. However, I had a meeting at his school yesterday. As it seems, he likes to wander the class. While everyone else is sitting down listening to the teacher or whatever, he's wandering the class. His teacher actually has an agreement with him that he may wander as long as he pays attention to her and doesn't disturb anyone. And now I get to have him tested to ADHD at the request of the school.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I'm just use to their energy (although it does tire me out many a nights) but I'm not a fan of medicating children.

I take that back. I wasn't until I picked the kids up yesterday from daycare and got the news of their training for UFC.

I'm now wondering if 3 is too young to medicate. I think with Aidan we can just focus on the the self-discipline and sitting still. Jacob, anything short of an exorcism in the form of Ritalin is probably futile.

I actually just looked up ages for ADHD medications... for shame. There are some for 3 year olds. I wonder if they still do electric shock?

Well that was a lot of complaining about my kids...

I said something to my mother last night about when it's all worthwhile, this whole mothering thing. On the rough days, sometimes it's hard to see how blessed you are or even like the little brats. I was having one of those nights so I did something about it.

Yah, we roasted marshmallows in the fireplace on wire hangers.

It was awesome.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Now Hiring

As I have just recently passed the 6 month milestone of singleness, I have put quite a bit of thought into what I want out of life, myself, my future, love, shoes, etc. You know, the important stuff. Granted, my life is pretty damn good right now but there are a few things that are not as I would like them. Specifically, I really don't feel like I have enough time. As of late, I have greatly slacked off in my domestic and everyday responsibilities (not that I've ever been that great at them).

For example, whilst I continue to wash the laundry, I do not fold it or hang it up. It spent literally a week on my floor, clean and wrinkled. I did spend a great amount of time on Saturday getting all my clothes hung, but the boys clothes are still on the floor. Also, I cannot tell you the last time I mopped. This is terrible, I know. I need to go through the boys room, again, and throw out or donate the excess toys. My carpet needs a deep cleaning AGAIN (this was done the week before Ike but is in desperate need). Don't get me started on dusting. My garage needs organized. I have plants in pots that needed planted into the ground. I need to finish the touch up painting in my living room.

The list goes on. And on.

It's not that I can't find the time to get all this done. I am home almost every night. The thing is, I'd rather do other things with my time. Anything, really. Play with the kids, read, drink, read, homework with Aidan, hang with friends, sleep, etc.

So here is the conclusion I have come to. I need a housewife. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. I've got it all worked out. First, she will be home all day so there will be no need for the kids to go to daycare. Right there that saves me almost $800 a month to help offset the cost of an extra person in the family. She (I use she but I'm not opposed to a manwife - they just must fulfill the job as requested - i am an equal opportunity employer) would need to keep the house clean, all laundry clean, hung, folded, etc. and have my meals prepared each evening. I would also expect her to handle the paying of the bills because I am truly unorganized in that matter (I keep a little book at my desk that I write it all down in but it really is not a good system). And definitely handle all the grocery shopping. I'm so over that.

But what are the benefits for the position, you ask? Well, a monthly allowance, the honor of hanging out with me, your own vehicle (if you already have one, we can adjust your monthly allowance accordingly), and an occasional night off to hang out with your friends. Actually, most nights could be taken off. When I'm home, this person is not really needed (as long as their chores are done). I'm not looking for a companion or a spouse, just someone to fulfill the role as best as it suits me. I don't want someone prying into my life or harassing me about where I've been or whom I slept with last night. Ugh, that's so annoying.

Now I know what you are thinking. Why don't you get a nanny? Simple, I think it would cost more. AND, I want someone on call 24 - 7, like a wife. They can have their own room as the boys don't really use theirs as they sleep with me every night. They'd of course have to keep all the toys in there. I only have a two bedroom house, you know.

So ya, if you're interested, let me know.

Sewing a plus. I need some curtains!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Grocery Shopping

I went to the grocery store last night. With the kids. I am positive that one day, soon, I will forever be banned from Kroger. It is impossible to shop properly when they are with me. Aside from the grocery store, I do not take my kids out in public. The only reason I even take them to the grocery store is because we have to eat and we just can't have Hot Donalds (as they call it) every day. Mainly, I can't afford it. Plus, I overheard this group of gangsta thugs at the mall discussing the hormone levels in the beef at McDonalds (I'm completely serious here) so I feel I should try to give them healthier foods on occasion. Just in case the thugs are right.

I would prefer to shop from a list. It's more organized and you spend less money. I would also like to use the coupons I cut out. I can do neither of these things. Why? Because it adds time to my shopping adventure. Regardless of how much I have to buy, I have no more than 20 minutes to get from my car, find groceries, pay for groceries, and get back to my car before all hell breaks loose. And that is on a good day.

This does not mean that those 20 minutes go by smoothly. No. There is fighting, screaming, pushing, and crying, and that's just me. You should see the kids. Aidan's favorite thing to do is run across the floor and then slide on his knees into people and displays. He tells me it's "tight". Jacob spends his time either trying to climb out of the cart, demanding everything sugary he sees, or growling and/or shooting other shoppers.

How do I handle this? I run. It's like an episode of Supermarket Sweep. I don't even put my fruits and veggies into the plastic bags. I just throw them in the cart. There is no time to spare. Most times, I don't even know what I bought until I get home and unload. And EVERYTIME, I forget something important and end up with three items the kids threw in the cart when I wasn't watching.

I love my kids but the truth is, they just aren't fit for society. A zoo maybe. Public places, no.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm Your Ex, Not Your BFF

I will start today with a little History lesson to introduce the main characters in today's story. Most of you know all the characters but at the rare chance some stranger is reading this, I would not want them to be lost.

Erin and Tony were together around 7 years. They had two wonderful children during this time together. Erin and Tony could not get along. Erin and Tony ended their relationship just over 6 months ago. Now while the Erin and Tony relationship is still far from amicable 100% of the time, they are actually getting along far better than predicted by either party.

All this being said, there is still a lot of history there. While I believe at this point no party wishes to reconcile (or realizes it is in no ones best interest to do so), there are certain boundaries that should be kept. Specifically, that Erin and Tony are still recent ex's and are not BFF's.

So this past Saturday, at Aidan's soccer game, it comes to light that Tony is seeing a girl named Ashley. Erin informs Tony that if it is going to be serious between them and Ashley will be spending time with her children, that WHEN it gets serious, she would appreciate it if she could meet Ashley.

(Please excuse me at this point. I am confusing myself with all the third-person-ness and am switching to first.)

Ehh, where was I? Ok, so what I envisioned in my head when telling Tony at some point I would like to meet Ashley (or to this matter, any person spending a lot of time with my kids), that was at some point, down the road, we would arrange a meeting on neutral ground. They have only been dating a few weeks, after all.

Tony interpreted this to mean he should bring his new girlfriend over to my house on Sunday without warning me when he brought the boys home. I'm not easily taken aback, but her lurking in the dark waiting for him to tell me she was with him, well, that was a little freaky. I honestly could not help jumping back a little.

Don't get me wrong. She seems very nice. I almost respect her bravery. She had no idea what she was walking into and I can only imagine all the wonderful things Tony had to say about me (this is sarcasm). If I were her, I would be mad at Tony. You don't spring your new girlfriend on your ex without warning your ex. That really wasn't fair to her (or me, really). This is Tony we are talking about though.

The good part about him bringing her, they left in 5 minutes instead of the usual hour Tony hangs out.

In all, I found the whole situation weird.